CONFESSIONS OF A CONFIDENT COLOR

Once I was blue like the color of covered up confidence or lack thereof, dreaming of love with a song and a sigh – not when doves, but when young girls cry. I didn’t know why I was longing and aching, making up dreams and faking life at the seams; a facade of me and pretend identity, confidence un-true, like that deep indigo blue is just a weak purple wannabe. I was striving to be like a royal purple princess – you know the rest, trying to be different like everyone else. Instead plain and simple, I was just regular blue, sad and true.

Confessions of change… Color Change… the range of me.
Forget faking the funk that junk was getting old. And so I replaced -confidence not drawn but traced, with red like the color bold. Oh, my red was like a deep “come hither”, strong enough to make any man wither. My red was sassy or so I was told and to me that was confidence as good as gold. This was the life, I figured I had it made, I was in charge – everyone else had to meet my grade. Sharp and quick and a cutting wit, I was the snake - don’t get bit. Drip. When suddenly I quit. Dripped red like blood, straight from the cross - this life of bold, now old, no loss.

Confessions of change… Color change… the range of me.
Black: thick, not empty but full of lack – confidence and esteem, joy and the ability to dream. Like a ship with no one at its helm I was tossed by the storm and overwhelmed. Little and belittled, abused, not amused, mistreated and misused - never could I admit, with a ring and “I do” that that this was the black that I did choose. I found deaths’ sting within that ring, so I escaped the black and never looked back. I made easier living by forgiving the “x”, but shame changed to blame that I gave to God. There ain’t nothing blacker than that, right? Go ahead you all can nod.

Confessions of change… color change the range of me…
My color is new again after that long black night – now it is purple, bet you though it was white. No – that was after black days turned to grays like the haze of imperfection and an empty gaze. Not even new rays of the only begotten one could warm my heart once the gray had begun – blanching, and bleaching and blank like white - loving myself was too much like right. Self-forgiveness so hesitant and what tried to be confident, now like white, the color non-existent.

Confessions of change… color change the range of me…
Now here’s a little mix you may not know – excuse me for a moment if it messes my flow. But blue (like confidence un-true) added to red (the bold replacing confidence instead) makes purple you see, the purple that now is me. Add black (just a little is all you get) and if it doesn’t overwhelm you’ll get violet. Now add a touch of white and comes back the color purple, just like my life confidence has come full circle. Each color alone I might like to forget, but to do so would mean I would only reject – the portrait so skillfully painted and meant - to be. God had to mix all the colors you see to make this glory, royal beauty, God’s truly confident me.

I am a child of God – my father has given me a coat of many colors – the colors of confidence and love without hindrance. I am a child of God!

© 2008 Deidre Campbell-Jones